I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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