Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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