if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
