I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
