So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
