You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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