There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
