So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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