Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
