I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
