That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
