The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
