Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
