clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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