I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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