They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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