I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
