the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
