you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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