girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
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