Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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