I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
