Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
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