Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
