dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
