you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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