you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
