i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
