i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
