Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
