two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
