tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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