I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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