Im at strip club and am horny
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i barfeds in our rink
I think I have vodka in my lungs
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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