hotel room ftw
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
