I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
