saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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