About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
