I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
