Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
