literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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