I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
