Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
