that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
