im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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