the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
