I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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