he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
