I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
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