my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
