I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
