I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
